the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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