he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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