Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
