My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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