I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
