ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
