if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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