I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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