I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
