Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
