Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
