she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
