I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
