I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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