I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
