I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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