I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
