Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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