I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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