alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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