Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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