Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize