i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's rum buckets o'clock
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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