I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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