I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
