Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
