My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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