i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
look no pants
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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