You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You dont lie about slip and slides
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
