omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
