I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
