If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
