Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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