my mouth tastes like poor choices
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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