So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
