Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
