i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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