Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it glows. i had to have it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
