i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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