Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
