I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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