He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
only you would photoshop your dick
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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