Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
