Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
