On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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