Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
