I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
