do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
