I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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