I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
