if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize