I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
