my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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