she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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