my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
