You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
