Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
