Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
