So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
