Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
