I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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