Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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