if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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