three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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