How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
