Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Who died my cat blue again?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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