dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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