FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize